I realise I’m not being loving to self when judging and criticising myself. Or feeling guilty about anything.
Guilt is a familiar feeling I carried along in my life before the awakening; sometimes, I was aware of it, but many times, I wasn’t.
It was a nagging feeling that was always or almost always there, covering almost everything I did, felt or thought in a thin yet cunning, uncomfortable blanket. Covering it all.
It was the nagging feeling that I was constantly being judged. If not by everyone else out there, always and most definitely by myself.
I made myself feel guilty in constant mode. Of course, most of the time, I wasn’t aware of what I was doing; I wasn’t conscious of it.
I didn’t know why I had the nagging feeling. “What the heck did I do?” I wish I’d asked that; I didn’t have the knowledge or consciousness to ask that question. I didn’t know why I had this uncomfortable feeling. It was unconscious most of the time. It was a sensation. Deeply implanted, infiltrated in my mind, this “sense” of guilt provoked thoughts that caused beliefs and, consequently, behaviours. But you see, the infiltrated thoughts that turned into beliefs and behaviours didn’t come from within me. It wasn’t me. That’s the reason for the discomfort.
Guilt was there most of the time. And it seemed like that was what being me felt like. I couldn’t even have defined it as guilt; most of the time, it just felt ” how I usually felt”.
Now that the feeling is gone, I can look back and easily identify it. I know that it was put there; it wasn’t natural.
It was a part of my vibrational frequency and emotional signature. By no fault or choice of my own, apart from the validity, I granted it while I was experiencing it with my focus on it.
I did this without knowing that I was living with guilt because of judgment and constantly feeling judged and identifying with that judging “unknowingly”, giving it my full attention by default.
It bothered me, that’s all. I’d learnt to live with it. All I needed was to invest energy and time to shut it up! by justifying everything I was being accused of and judged for. I had my ego justifying every attack I launched against myself constantly. This kept things in balance. It would appear, but I see now that it was exhausting.
My ego loved it: to have a defence, a long and tiresome argument- to be fully articulated in my head sometimes for days – for each judgement, each unkind thought towards myself.
I wouldn’t like her job!
Imagine the energy one needs to keep that up. I might not have been judging myself constantly every day but the “nagging” feeling that would lead to feeling judged and thus having the urge to defend myself from guilt was part of who I was.
And so I built and built and built the shield. A shield made of protection against judgment. Judgment was all the “bad” things other people were thinking about me and how I was internally or externally reacting to it. Reacting to all the people I thought were thinking bad things about me who were unaware of my feelings. The entire battle would happen inside my head through my emotions. My ego was self-sufficient for this. She was the accuser, the defender, the judge, the judgment and the punisher.
My ego, the image of me that was perfect and protected against all judgement, especially my own. Because that’s what I had to go by, my own judgment of myself and others.
She, ego, had the ideal justification against judgement for every word, every feeling, every action, and every thought. Because I was certainly guilty in everything I thought, felt or did because It was never perfectly “right”.
Maybe I’m exaggerating when saying every every every, but it feels like it was that way. It also feels very distant. Thankfully! It was a completely different me in charge at the time. I was guilty about anything that crossed my mind, guilty for not being happy, for not having enough money or enough stuff. Guilt is an ‘infiltrated’ unnatural habit, and I did not know why I felt so guilty. I was trying to just Be me.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling that was simply there permanently. Especially whenever I allowed even the tiniest glimpse of fear to cross my mind.
The whole thing is in our heads. Guilt and judgement don’t exist, not in Reality. We make it up; Love didn’t create guilt. Only what Love Creates is Real.
It’s insanity: We create imaginary judgment for which we feel guilty, from which we want to protect ourselves, so we build a shield, called ego, to protect us from, reject, justify and deny the guilt that’s not there in the first place. It doesn’t exist.
The trap is that ego doesn’t want you to win; ego likes her drama. Ego wants you to be sentenced. You will never ever stop feeling guilty when listening to your ego. All its justifying fails. It is designed to fail.
The game we play is insane!
I’m so glad The Teacher taught me about all this in A Course in Miracles. I didn’t know what I was doing, which made my life experience uncomfortable.
We can say that we have created a ton of unrealities, but it is all in our minds; what we see in our world are projections of the unrealities we have created. We are powerful creators; thus, our unrealities seem very real, and they are real for as long as we choose they are. We share this unreality collectively.
The world we see is what we have chosen to collectively and individually create and believe in.
How am I unloving towards me?
Feeling Guilty is unloving towards the self; it’s offensive towards the Higher Self. We are guilty of nothing.
When I doubt myself, I’m not loving myself. When I don’t trust myself, I’m not loving myself.
When not allowing the Peace of Love to be with me Always, I’m not loving myself. When not allowing myself to feel the Love in me ceaselessly, I’m not loving myself.
When not stepping out of time and into Eternity, into the Now. When not utilising the power of now for instant peace, I’m not loving myself.
I’m not loving myself when not allowing myself to enjoy and delight in every moment gifted to me for joy, peace, learning, experience, expansion, and Creation.
Ways Into Self-Love: Affirmations
I love Me when …
I ignore the Voice of ego in my Split Mind (ego/spirit), and I align my thoughts, feelings and emotions with the Truth that is the Mind of Love, my True Mind. The only mind that there Is. Because There’s Only One, and every One of Us is The One.
I know My Will is God’s Will. There’s only One, and there’s only One mind. There’s only One Will: The expansion of Love in Creation incessantly in all forms and manners of expression.
We are One. One Christ Consciousnesses. Oneness.
I know I Am Love.
I Know Being is All I need. To Be. I don’t need to do another thing.
I’m heart Centred and Soul Focused.
I know I Am Divine Perfection in Form.
I rejoice! For the sake of it. Because I want to rejoice. I’m not waiting for anything or anyone to give me joy; there is no need. I can rejoice now. It’s my Birthright to be In Joy. Heartfelt Laughter is one of many pathways to wholeness and fulfilment.
I know I AM Blessed.
I’m happy because I am Love’s Perfect Creation in form. I AM a Pure and Whole Creation of Love.
I’m happy God Created me As I AM. I’m Glad Love Created Me! God is Love and Created Me as Herself.
God Created Me Perfect.
I Am guiltless.
There’s nothing to feel pressured about. I am Free. I am Powerful. I Am the Light, I’m the Truth, I’m the Love. I Am.
Fear doesn’t exist; it’s an illusion in the mind; it’s a lie. I don’t give not even to tiniest thought to fear.
The feelings of dissatisfaction in any area of my life can be embraced and understood. Those feeling are there for a reason: it’s my guidance system, leading me home. Bringing me closer to Myself.
There’s no doubt in my heart about me, my nature, and the Love that I Am.
I trust who I Am, what I want, what I feel, and what I stand for …always. I trust my uniqueness and how I’m indispensable to my Father/Mother/God.
I allow the peace of God to envelope me in Eternity. God doesn’t wait in time; God is forever with me in Eternity, where She placed me when She Created me. Separation from Love is an illusion; it’s a dream which needs to be used to Wake Up. That’s the solution and the path: To Wake Up.
I allow the Love of God in me to embrace Me. Because It is Me, Love created me as She is, and I Am That I Am. I have never stopped being a beloved child of Love and never for a second stopped Being what I am: Love.
I choose to see the Reality within me and ignore the unreality I perceive outside of me. Only Love is Real.
I Step out of time and into Eternity, where I belong.
I Live in Eternity: Being Me Moment by Moment.